Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
