ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
