I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
