He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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