Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
