i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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