I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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