...so i touched it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
