Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
