So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
