The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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