The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My pussy is not your playground.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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