You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Randomize
