saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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