so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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