I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Boobs speak an international language.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
