You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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