i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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