if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
