New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
