What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize