apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
