Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
