I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
