i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
