Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
