About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
