I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
