its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize