I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
