Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
