I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
