last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
