did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
