I just made out with a guy for $7.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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