Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
