Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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