Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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