Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
