Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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