my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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