This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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