my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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