I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
