remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
