"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
