so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
