Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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