I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
