If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
