God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
