i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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