Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
