ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
