my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
