A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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